Facing Facts

I start with the past…

One step.Two step.Three step.Four

Skip the long road home

And go by the short path.

I don’t want to look at you.

(stoplookingatme)

I don’t want to hear you.

(butIkeeplistening)

Keep the peace.

Face the facts.

The end is unclear.

No.

No.

No.

I said no.

(butIreallymeantyes)

Is it so hard for me

to admit that…

that…

that I love you?

Or is it loved…?

The facts are so hard to face

That I don’t even know what they are anymore.

Right away,

I take a stand.

(whatamIstandingagainst)

Screaming silently

inyourface.

Moving quietly

atmyownpace.

Love…

A four letter word.

A feeling SO absurd

that I don’t even know what to believe anymore.

Well… That’s for someone. If you’re reading this, I hope you know it’s for you. If you’re reading this, why? You stopped acting like you cared more than four months ago.

I’m trying not to be resentful.

I’m just facing facts.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *fact-facing* girl,

~me~

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Human Growth and Development Research Paper

Again… Forever to get this one up. I hope it’s not an overload posting them both within ten minutes of each other on one night, but a girl’s gotta do stuff when she remembers to do it.

Hope you guys enjoy!

Differences in Depression: A look at adolescent and adult onset depression

In seventh grade, I went through a very tough time. I developed schizophrenia, and along with that, depression. My depression got so bad that at one point I spent all day writing a note that I was semi-considering turning into a suicide note. That night, I cut it up and stored the pieces in a bag and put the bag in a safe place so I would always remember what I should not do in the future. A few years later, after I started antidepressants, I went back to the bag and taped the note back together. I saw how depressed I was then, but thinking back I realized I did not have the classic signs adults show with depression. I could still do well in school, which was my work. I could still function daily. I could still spend time with my friends, even if I did shut myself in my room for hours on end during the weekends and weeknights. For the longest time, everyone but me considered me to be a stereotypically moody, angry, and angst-filled preteen/teenager. My difference compared to what I knew about depression then made me ponder the difference between adolescent and adult depression. Today I am back on antidepressants and am finding differences between what I experienced as an adolescent and what I am now experiencing as a young adult. I have been much less motivated and have found getting out of the house on my own hard. I have become very dependent on other people to persuade me to achieve what I need to do. Yet again, I find myself comparing the differences in depression based on at what age a person develops it. I think that this paper can help people see the warning signs of depression and realize that depression can manifest itself in different ways. What is a textbook case of adolescent depression? What does a normal case of depression look like in an adult? How are the two the same and how are they different? What are some cures of depression?

Children and teenagers with depression often continue to perform daily tasks, but have difficulties finding joy in such things. Signs an adolescent is depressed include pretending to be sick in order to avoid school, sulking, negativity and irritability, and getting in trouble at school. However, these signs are seen in many adolescents with and without depression, thus making adolescent depression hard to diagnose. Female adolescents are twice as likely to suffer from depression than males. Adolescents with depression are more likely to, even if treated, suffer depression in adulthood (Hendrix, 2011). 50-70% of adolescents with depression have a recurrent episode within five years (Gledhill, & Hodes, 2011). They also have a higher risk of substance abuse, suicide (with more males achieving and more females attempting), anxiety, and eating disorders (Hendrix, 2011). Adolescent depression is a concern that often cannot be prevented; however, there are treatments to help cure it.

Different ways to treat adolescent depression are cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal psychotherapy, family therapy, and pharmacotherapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy includes monitoring one’s thoughts and feelings through a journal, scheduling activities, and learning how to deal with cognitive and emotional challenges through psycho-education. Interpersonal psychotherapy seeks to solve role transitions, grief, and interpersonal role disputes and deficits. One issue with interpersonal psychotherapy is that it has only been shown to help with mild and moderate depression. Family therapy involves the entire family in solving problems that could be aiding the depression and hindering recovery. Those hindrances could be anything from parental conflict to the parents misunderstanding the adolescent to suicidal ideation. Pharmacotherapy involves the use of medicine, often antidepressants, to help readjust the chemicals in the brain that are causing the depression. Pharmacotherapy is also helpful for adolescents facing comorbidity, in which the patients are suffering from two or more mental illnesses at the same time. A concern with this therapy is the increased risk of suicidal ideation and self-harm in some teenagers taking antidepressants (Gledhill & Hodes, 2011). All of these methods are found to help reduce and possibly suffocate the symptoms of adolescent depression.

Adult depression manifests itself differently than adolescent depression. Adults with depression can often stop functioning and will stay in bed rather than face the day, which can cause them to lose their jobs. Men and women suffering from depression have different symptoms. Women are more likely to face depression than men, and often their depression is associated with hormonal changes due to either giving birth or experiencing severe premenstrual syndrome. Their symptoms include feeling worthless, sad, or excessively guilty. Men suffering from depression often turn to alcohol and drugs more than women. They are also more likely to become workaholics or engage in reckless activities. Men are more irritable, discouraged, and abusive when experiencing depression. As adults age, they develop depression with a concurrent medical issue, like a stroke, cancer, or heart disease. In the United States, men over the age of 85 have the highest suicide rate (Hendrix, 2011). Adults facing depression have four phases through which they often go: a preceding time of negative feelings, a realization that something is not right, a phase of reaching out to the professional medical community, and a final stage of accepting depression. The third and fourth phase often are incorporated with therapy, antidepressants, or a combination of the two (Westerbeek & Mutsaers, 2008; Hendrix, 2011).

Adult depression is most often treated by cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, or antidepressants, but can also be treated by electroconvulsive therapy. Antidepressants affect neurotransmitters within the brain, most often enhancing serotonin and norepinephrine. Sometimes doctors will prescribe two types of medicine: one a basic antidepressant and the other either a different class of antidepressant, a stimulant, or an anti-anxiety medication. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is generally only employed when other treatments have not worked. Despite its shaky history, ECT has improved greatly and often has no long-term side effects, with most disappearing after one year. The process of ECT involves putting a patient under anesthesia and administering a muscle relaxant. The patient then sleeps through the electric shocks and does not consciously feel them. ECT only lasts a few minutes and patients are often completely awake and alert within one hour (Hendrix, 2011). All of these treatments have been proved effective for at least one variation of depression.

Adolescents and adults have similarities and differences in how depression affects them and how it is treated. Both adolescents and adults lose joy in normally happy events. Women and adolescent females are more likely to suffer from depression, but less likely to succeed in committing suicide. In adolescent depression, males and females often have similar depression symptoms. In adult depression, symptoms are often manifested differently, based on gender. There are three types of treatments that are the same between adolescent and adult depression: cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, and pharmacotherapy. Adolescents gain more from family therapy than adults do, and are rarely subjected to ECT. The most important similarity is that depression is a serious mental illness that can impede a person’s ability to function normally.

I was surprised to see that family therapy was a treatment for adolescents facing depression. I knew family therapy was useful for helping solve familial problems and for helping blended families, but I did not realize that it could also help teenagers suffering from depression. I expected to see ECT on the list of adult depression treatments, but had never really known the process before. It was interesting to read about the different classes of antidepressants and how they interact with one another. I am currently on Lexapro and Wellbutrin, both of which were mentioned in my research as working well together. I did not realize that males 85 and older have the highest suicide rate in the United States. That shocked me a bit, because you always hear about young adult males committing suicide, but never elderly gentlemen. Now that I have done this, I have answered my question about how depression presents itself in various groups. It was interesting to see that both females and males exhibit a lot of the same symptoms in adolescence, but as the age at which one contracts depression increases, the symptoms vary more greatly by gender. The information I gained was very enlightening. I hope that I can use the information about comorbidity one day in my research. Overall, I expected a lot of what I read from my experiences and from my past research, but this was still a highly educational experience. I hope that anyone who reads this can gain a further understanding of how depression and depression treatments vary based on age, gender, severity, and whether or not there are any other mental health issues occurring. I believe that these facts will be very useful to other people one day.

References

Gledhill, J., & Hodes M. (2011). The treatment of adolescents with depression. Current Medical Literature: Psychiatry, 22(1), 1-7.

Hendrix, I. (2011). Depression: Symptoms, causes, and treatments. e-published: Amazon.

Westerbeek, J., & Mutsaers, K. (2008). Depression narratives: How the self became a problem. Literature & Medicine, 27(1), 25-55.

Well, that was easy! I have express permission from Professor B. Archuleta to post this paper. Thanks and have a great day!

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *remember, there’s exciting news coming!* girl,

~me~

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Psychology Research Paper

I know, I know. I promised you guys this would be up forever ago. I am just now getting around to it… Sigh. Here goes nothing. ;)

SCHIZOPHRENIA: The stereotypes and stigma that define the illness

I have always considered myself a survivor and not a statistic. Why? It is because I am a fully functioning puberty-onset schizophrenic. When I was twelve, my life changed forever. I started hearing voices, became very depressed, saw my first signs of womanhood, and had my first thoughts of suicide. I self-diagnosed myself at age thirteen, but never got the nerve to tell my parents I needed to see a psychiatrist until I was fourteen. I have been on multiple prescription drugs since then, for anything from my current antipsychotic, Invega, to the antidepressant Trazodone, and multiple sleeping pills. I even spent a week at an inpatient facility instead of completing my final driver’s education class when I was fifteen. However, I have always remained in school and even graduated in the top five percent of my high school class.

My point is this: it is possible for schizophrenics to be worthy members of society and contribute their thoughts and ideas like everyone else. I always get horribly sad when I hear about untreated schizophrenics who slipped through the cracks in the system and ended up becoming victims of violence or performing violent acts themselves. I have seen homeless schizophrenics and wanted to leave the room, because I was almost physically ill seeing their misfortunes. I have cried at movies like “A Beautiful Mind” and drank in books such as “The Bell Jar” and “The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness.” I have read, heard, seen, and thought about how society misuses the word schizophrenia. I have seen the stigma and wish to help change it- not just for me, but for the world of schizophrenics living in harsh environments due to falsehoods as portrayed by the media and the unknowing observers. Thus, my questions are as follows: What are the facts about schizophrenia? What stigma does the public have against schizophrenia? How do people with schizophrenia view the stigma that has been cast against them?

Schizophrenia is a mental illness categorized by three types of symptoms: positive, negative, and cognitive. The positive symptoms are those most recognized by the general public, consisting of hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. People with positive symptoms are often anxious and argumentative. Negative symptoms include a flat affect, and either a lack or excess of movement. Those with negative symptoms often have difficulties taking care of themselves. Cognitive symptoms consist of forgetting one’s point in the middle of a sentence, halted speech, poor short term memory, laughing inappropriately, and difficulty thinking and comprehending. People with cognitive symptoms have difficulties performing daily tasks due to a lack of organization in their minds. There are four different types of schizophrenia: paranoid (which is related to positive symptoms), catatonic (which is related to negative symptoms), disorganized (which is related to cognitive symptoms), undifferentiated (which is a conglomeration of all types of symptoms), and residual (which is a shortened form of schizophrenia). Schizophrenia affects approximately one percent of the world and is more often seen in males than females. Hallucinatory symptoms are due to an excess of dopamine to certain parts of the brain. There is no cure, but antipsychotics can either reduce or re-direct the dopamine, which occasionally can cause side effects such as pseudo-Parkinson’s symptoms (Parkinson’s is caused by a lack of dopamine to certain parts of the brain). There is no definite cause of schizophrenia, but factors that can lead to it are genetics, anoxia, traumatic childhood, an excess of drug use, and mothers smoking while the child is in the womb. Schizophrenia is often misunderstood by the public, resulting in unjust stigmatization and crude stereotypes (Torrey, M.D., 2006).

Due to a lack of resources and fair overviews, the majority of people misunderstand schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is often viewed as a sign of weakness instead of a debilitating mental illness that is hard to overcome (Harrison, 2010). People with schizophrenia are turned into individuals who cannot function in society. However, most of the disabilities placed on those with schizophrenia come from the public and the media’s portrayal and coverage on the illness. Most often seen on television is a story of schizophrenia gone wrong, in which a person with the mental illness has gone untreated or misunderstood and has lashed out violently (Torrey, M.D., 2006). In 1998, a study was performed in the United Kingdom to gain understanding about how the general public view schizophrenia. The results showed that 70% of those surveyed tended to view schizophrenics as violent (Harrison, 2010). Contrary to popular belief, those with schizophrenia are more likely to be victims of violence than doers of it (Torrey, M.D., 2006). One of the biggest issues about mental illness that has occurred over time is the early Christian views of those suffering from it. They were viewed as possessed, demonic, or sinful. The misunderstanding started so long ago that it has since ballooned into an issue in which those who are openly schizophrenic can be ostracized, put down, and rejected from jobs and normal social settings (Harrison, 2010). In some experts’ views, schizophrenia is the modern world’s form of leprosy (Torrey, M.D., 2006).

Due to this fact and many others, people with schizophrenia often have poor self images. Many who contract the illness would rather deny it, since they are afraid of being viewed as incompetent, nonfunctioning, and noncontributing to society (Harrison, 2010). A study done in Turkey of patients with schizophrenia shows how they react to stigma that has been placed against them. 60 people, 28 women and 32 men, with schizophrenia were interviewed about various views they believe society has on them. One of the biggest issues they saw was active social avoidance, in which those with more obvious symptoms thought they were ostracized by the public due to the issues within their minds, leading to them avoiding public situations as often as possible. Another concern, as stated by some of the individuals, was that people believed the negative symptoms of schizophrenia could be controlled by the individuals, thus leading to the blame that the individuals were more at fault for being weak and allowing schizophrenia to control them. Also seen by those with the negative symptoms of schizophrenia is that those were the most obvious to the public, which led to further stigmatization and more avoidance by those around them. Along with schizophrenia can come depression, which was found to be related to people suffering from schizophrenia having poor and unhealthy views about themselves. Direct correlations were found between depression and poor self esteem in those with schizophrenia. The researchers found that poor self esteem caused schizophrenic patients to believe their opportunities in life were limited and that the public was more against them than those without schizophrenia (Ertugrul, 2004). People with schizophrenia are aware that there is stigma against them, causing the public and patients alike to view schizophrenia as debilitating to overall happiness and health.

I was not really surprised by the findings of this paper. I suspected as much from research I had done in the past and from viewing the reactions of others when I told them about schizophrenia. Many people are unaware of the true symptoms and causes of schizophrenia. I once told a friend, only to have him believe that I was mentally disabled, not psychiatrically disabled. I have always been careful about whom I tell, because I am afraid of a misunderstanding. I am high functioning compared to those who would rather live in denial about schizophrenia. I am lucky enough to wake up sane 99% of the time. It saddens me to read these reports and confirm even more so that people in this world do not understand the difficulties the schizophrenic community faces. If it were up to me, I would block all stigma from the world and help everyone with schizophrenia overcome difficulties facing them, whether it is poor self esteem, depression, or uncontrolled symptoms of schizophrenia that are debilitating to their functioning and overall health. In today’s society we need to be more open to everyone and more well-informed. I believe the media should stop screaming “Wolf!” about those with mental illness every time a person with mental illness is convicted of a crime. People with mental illness are just as likely to be a criminal as those without. Schizophrenia is highly misunderstood and I believe that it is up to everyone to come together and stop the stigma and stereotypes. People with schizophrenia are people too. There are no words to describe how poorly we are treated. I want to make a change in this world and help stop the stigma. The articles I read prove to me even more that there needs to be a change in this world. I only hope this paper can lead more people to understand the hurt associated with the stigma.

References

Ertugrul, A. (2004). Perception of stigma among patients with schizophrenia. Social Psychiatry & Psychiatric Epidemiology, 39(1), 73-77.

Harrison, J. (2010). The experience and consequences of people with mental health problems, the impacts of stigma upon people with schizophrenia: a way forward. Journal of Psychiatric & Mental Health Nursing, 17(3), 242-250.

Torrey, M.D., E. F. (2006). Surviving schizophrenia: A manual for families, patients, and providers. (5 ed.). New York: HarperCollins Publishers.

Yeah, that was easy… And yeah, I could have easily done that a number of times before now, but hey, I have been busy.

I have express permission from Professor B. Archuleta to post this.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *I have exciting news for you guys coming soon* girl,

~me~

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alternate reality

I’m split between in and sane
Trapped between heart and brain.
Surreality takes over.
flutter by butterfly
Leave room for me…
on this crazy adventure called life.
The psychosis of the word reality
Pushes us all to the edge.
I no longer dwell inthisplace
I dwell elsewhere
(Insert alternate reality here)
time to go…
free to flow…
My thoughts weep clovers of four leaves
as my scintillating dreams begin to take shape.
High on a mountain
You can only go left or right.
updown backwardsforwards inout
No, those don’t exist.
Look at me.
Look at me now.
Achieving a life meant to be lived
by the best of the best
and the worst of the worst.
We don’t stand on the outside.
We don’t live on the inside.
Our minds sit,
tattered and torn,
In this reality of alternatives.

I am in a strange mood tonight. I can’t explain it. Does anyone else feel like they have made a seldom know realization about life but not even know what it was/is/will be?

Keep faith, bloggerverse. Life moves on in unusual ways. We just have to keep up.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *no thanks, I’d rather live in my head* girl,

~me~

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Detached Garage, Attached Writing

Silver light weighs me down,

The sky is full of it.

The nebulae in my head

Start to throw a fit.

I want the stars

To fulfill my dreams

Of rainbow skies

And silent screams.

“Forever?” she asked,

but never it would be.

Not with the man,

Not with him nor he.

She longed for love,

But found comfort in lust.

She was afraid of everything,

So her mind was covered in dust.

Fearing the worst

She turned to the drink.

She knew not where she was,

She knew not what to think.

Run, run, run,

Were all her thoughts would say.

But she knew she had no choice

Except to go about her way.

Titles of chapters in her life

Swirled before her eyes,

Cut into to bits

By the silvery skies.

Escape. Escape.

Stop running.

The conflicting thoughts

are paralyzing and stunning.

What should she do?

Where should she go?

Can she do anything

But to follow the river’s flow?

She floats in her mind

And she has no choice but to scream

She has been lost to her brain,

Just a silvery dream…

No idea what this poem is about. Just wrote. Detached writing mostly.

I saw my psychologist today and feel a lot better about life.

Things seem to be looking up(ish).

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *almost missing* girl,

~me~

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Fleeing Nighttime Dreams

My dreams haven’t been bad, exactly, but they haven’t been good either.

I’ve been waking up afraid of airplanes. I keep dreaming about airplanes and perfect worlds and the people I want in my life loving me back.

I know what the airplanes represent… I keep dreaming of getting on them and crashing or never taking off or me missing the airplanes or never finding my gate or getting lost in the airport. It represents my want to escape and get away, but I just can’t.

I really need to get out of here, but I can’t truly escape where I am until I go back to college. And even where I am going might not do it. It’s only an hour away from home and it’s with so many people with whom I went to high school. And so many of them I never want to see again. Or so many of them are partiers and not dedicated students.

I need to escape this place. It is killing me to be stuck here doing nothing. I need something productive to fuel my life, especially now that I’m out of school.

I also need to stop dreaming about those people I want back in my life. They’re gone. Nothing I can do will bring them back. I think. Don’t get me wrong. I love the people I have in my life right now, but some of these people guided me through the best and the worst days of my life. It kills me to be without them. Especially one of them. But I could never tell him/her that.

My dreams are showing me what I want in life, but what I know is not possible at this point in time. It’s not like I can justify living somewhere I will be spending as much as I make. I want my friends to be my friends and stop ignoring/ditching me. Not all of you are doing this, real life readers, but a couple of you are. And it hurts.

I want the airplanes to stop. I want the creepily perfect worlds to stop. I want the friends who are no longer with me to leave me alone.

I want to escape my feelings and escape this place.

I am so happy when I am somewhere I love, but my depression comes back when I am just *here,* so to speak.

I find little ways to make myself happy, but I am not truly functional in the real sense of the word.

I will get better. I will. I just don’t know how or when or where or what will make me better.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *missing* girl,

~me~

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I’m scared

I can’t sleep at night. My dreams have been taking place in a perfect alternate reality and I wake up trying to forget them. Here I lie, over an hour into my Lunesta and Lexapro and I can’t sleep still. Then when I do fall asleep I want to sleep forever. There are some issues in my life I really need to face, but like the title says, I’m scared. I am sp afraid of my emotions right now. The depression is coming and going in waves. I get slightly psychotic when I am by myself and wander around the house singing about nothing. I shouldn’t be alone, but what choice do I have? My family works during the day. My friends are all at school. Unless I get a job quickly these next two or three weeks are going to be very hard. I’m at the end of my rope. I need people now more than ever. I would give almost anything to get out of this house and interact with other people during the day. I’m lonely for a just reason: I’m alone the majority of the day and all night. This could partially be solved by me going to bed when my parents do, but that would mean more time awake by myself during the day. At night at least I feel tired so I’m not psychotic, but during the day… It’s not pretty. I am in a state that is very unhealthy for me. I function better with other people around me. This is why I can’t ever see myself living alone. I would be so unmotivated it would be scary. I already am getting that way. I didn’t take a shower before class this waking period because I thought it was too much effort. So I brushed my hair, threw it under a hat, and did an elaborate makeup job to detract from my bad hair day. I don’t want to be alone. Someone… Please save me. I’m really scared for my sanity. I truly am.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *you’d call me crazy if I put that here* girl,

~me~

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