Summertime Music Time

Summer’s here, and that means one thing… Long pointless drives with music playing and me just listening to the words and the beat wash over me. There’s just one problem… There’s really nowhere I feel comfortable driving in this town to just drive. It’s too much of a city. Even in and around the school that everyone thinks is underground there were escape roads. In my childhood hometown, there are so many roads I can just escape to and drive for hours upon end and see a few cars, some cows, and random people and animals outside. So… This poses the question of what I do for those nights where I just want a cool, breezy summer drive. Over the past few summers I have gotten into the habit of leaving my house around twilight on nights that I just can’t handle being inside with my thoughts any longer. It’s a destress technique and a really good coping mechanism. The only place I can see myself going, I’d rather not go alone, but sometimes, a summer drive all alone is just what you need. And here I am, in the last week of May, craving a summer night drive with good music, my thoughts, and my little red car. I am still having a lot of anger issues and really just need to woman up and call the school psychology service. Sigh.

Well, Rave Queen just walked in the door. I shall talk to her.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *I need a driving place* girl,

~me~

Life Goals

Sometimes, we come across things that just need to be done. Sometimes we come across things that we think should be done, and we go to do them, only to find that they were the wrong thing to attempt. Sometimes we think the sky is blue everywhere in the universe, only to discover that even here within our own solar system, it’s red.

Life is a very tricky thing that I don’t think I myself will ever figure out. There are so many little things to it that make me wonder why I even bother trying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong; I love life, but it’s so… confusing.

I thought I knew what I was doing when I started doing a lot of things, but now I look back at them and wonder why my afterthought of those experiences is so radically different from my forethought about them.

Take the school that everyone thinks is underground. When I went, I thought I was going for the dream education and for a great job and for proof that I could make it in the world. That was my forethought. Then, so much anxiety hit and I wasn’t happy with any of the majors I was putting myself in and and and until I ended up transferring. Now, I look back on that place with fondness in my heart. The land that is not silver has become my second home. That drive is almost as familiar as the one between where I am now and my childhood home. I met some of the best friends I have today. You know who you are, but I shall remind you once more… 8, the Alaskan, the Hawaiian, Fellow Brony, Bombshell Not Required, AirSoft, the Only Chem-E Left, Tech Support, and Dorothy’s Neighbor. You guys mean so much to me. You are the true reason I now know I went to the school that everyone thinks is underground. Whenever I see you guys, it means a lot to me. You are some of the best people in my life and I hope that you all go far, especially you, the Alaskan, what with being graduated and everything already. You all have your own life goals for your own reasons, and I have no doubt that you will all live up to them, even if the afterthought is completely different than the forethought.

Well… That was a tangentially tangential tangent of sorts, but it needed to be said. When you care a lot about people, they need to know how you feel. I keep reminding myself of that, because that’s why I originally had this blog post in mind. The life goal of this blog post is a secret, but if it’s meant to be revealed in the afterthought, it will be. The forethought is unsure, but we’ll see, my faithful blog readers. We shall see.

I feel the need to keep writing, so I shall.

A life goal of mine has always been advocacy for fellow schizophrenics (people with schizophrenia, to be politically correct). I am blessed with a voice to speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves. I am blessed enough to have access to anti-psychotics and to wake up sane the majority of the time and to be who I am. I am so lucky that my mental health is a priority in not only my life, but in the lives of many of those important to me. It makes me happy that my true friends don’t push me to do drugs or drink or any of that sort of stuff because they know that not only is that not me, but it’s not mentally healthy for me. I am so lucky that I have found my way out of most of the relationships in my life that were sucking me dry and pushing on my mental health more than pulling me along in life. I am well enough and thankfully empathetic enough to know that I need to speak up for others in situations similar to my own. Schizophrenia is not a joke. It is not funny to say you hear voices, nor is it humane to say that all people with mental illnesses are violent. I have heard more and more of that. In fact, someone I love dearly who is a service club acquaintance of mine told me she hoped I didn’t get gunned down the other day when I mentioned I wanted to work with people whose lives have been affected by schizophrenia. I was shocked. She is a very dear woman who does so much good for the world, and yet there she was, acting like no one in the room could possibly be offended at such an ignorant statement. Don’t get me wrong; she’s still wonderful, but I now see that even and especially wonderful people need to be illuminated with the knowledge that is the truth behind mental illnesses. That is why I am going into advocacy. However, I always thought it would simply be a hobby or something I did while making bank at whatever job I decided to do. Now I realize something; money doesn’t matter in the end. Yes, it’s nice, but what really matters is standing up for the people who don’t have voices of their own. What really matters is getting the truth out about schizophrenia and depression and anxiety and bipolar disorder and all those other mental illnesses that plague humankind. What matters is humanity. What matters is life. What matters is sanity and dignity and respect for all living creatures who walk this earth. Love and acceptance and tolerance exist for a reason. Why don’t we use them?

And with that, I am stepping off my soapbox.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *well that was a long blog post but it needed to be said* girl,

~me~

For my Rave Queen

Dearest Rave Queen/Bestie,

Yes, sometimes I get annoyed by the life choices you make, but then I remember you aren’t me. Sometimes I worry about you. Sometimes I take our jokes too far. But I will always love you and you will always be my best friend. So… Thank you for tonight. It meant a lot to me. I needed to talk and rant and you are the best friend a Secret could have, for real. So, I am writing you a poem all about our adventures.

“Status: Friendship Achievement Unlocked”

We stood at a crossroads,

Neither of us knowing what to do.

We were friendless,

Bound, hopeless, and lost.

Anger.Rage.Hurt.Denial.Misfortune

All came our way.

But then…

There was a phone call from you to me.

It sparked a little bit of hope in me,

And I think it did in you, too.

Our hurt combined

And we realized how awesome we were

As friends, compatriots, and companions

In this world of adventures to be found.

The dance is never over

When we are together.

The party has just begun.

Cookies, juice, music, and words…

From the day we met

We bonded over words.

One word, two words.

Red word, blue word.

We were ready to take on the world

With writing.

Our creativity blossomed,

and then it fell.

Our companionship bloomed,

And it continues to swell.

We are best friends,

The best there could be,

And there’s nothing more

I could ask for us or we.

–

RAVE QUEEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You are the best friend a girl could ever have. Thank you for being you and being there when I need you, like tonight. I just needed to talk and I’m glad you were there. I’m glad you also listen when I voice my concerns and are grown up enough to take them with grace. In other words… HALP! I NEED AN ADULT!

Thanks for being my bestie. I’ll be sad when you move out, but I know that you are having issues that need to be resolved for the betterment of your adult life.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *blessed with the best* girl,

~me~

iPod shuffle game #2: Harry Potter Version

1. You’re told that you are a witch/wizard and have been accepted at Hogwarts! What’s your reaction?

Last Friday Night- Katy Perry (DO IT ALLLLLLLL AGAIN!)

2. What do you think of shopping for your supplies?

I Love You … I’ll Kill You- Enigma (I think I ran into Malfoy after getting Hedwig…)

3. What do you think of the red-headed boy sitting next to you on the train?

All Has Been Forgiven – Mark Schultz (I have nothing against Ron! I swear!)

4. The Sorting Hat is debating what house to put you in. What if it’s Gryffindor?

Cold Day In July- Dixie Chicks (oh my goodness… But Gryffindors are good usually)

5. Slytherin?

Get It Right- Glee (hahaha perfection)

6. Ravenclaw?

On The Street- RENT (uhm…)

7. Or Hufflepuff?

The Battle Drums- Joe Hisaishi from the Princess Mononoke soundtrack (er…)

8. Do you go into the forbidden room on the third floor?

Words- Bee Gees (words. I has them.)

9. What are your grades like?

Let Your Love Grow- Minnesota Remix (I do love me some school…)

10. What does Snape think of you?

Language- Porter Robinson (while I love that song, I do not feel it is positive Snape feels that way)

11. You get detention. What’s your reaction?

End of the Dream- Evanescence (aw yeah. So true.)

12. How do you greet Malfoy when he arrives at detention?

Oh Praise Him (All This For A King)- David Crowder Band (WEASLEY IS OUR KING! I’m taking this as a derogatory insult towards Malfoy)

13. You visit Dumbledore. What advice does he have for you?

The Steward of Gondor- LOTR: Return of the King (so… Someone is just a placeholder?)

14. What are your two best friends like?

Memory- Andrew Loyd Webber (I am assuming they are made up.)

15. How do you like your Christmas presents (even the sweater)?

TiK ToK- Ke$ha (wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy…)

16. What do you see in the mirror of Erised?

King of Glory- Chris Tomlin (more like queen, but you know… Specifics.)

17. What is Voldemort’s weakness?

I Said- Deadmau5 (whoa now… What did I say?)

18. How does your Quidditch team do without you?

Steve McQueen- M83 (O.o I don’t think they realized I was missing; check out the lyrics to understand)

19. Are you happy to leave for the summer?

Sign of a Victory- R. Kelly (I am guessing that I am glad I made it through the year…)

20. What are your plans as a Second Year?

In Pieces- Linkin Park (MENTAL BREAKDOWN TIME NO! Chamber of Secrets though…)

21. What are your plans as a Third Year?

Synthetica- Metric (I’m not as f*cked up as I used to be… Good. No more mental breakdown. Also, I HAVE A GODFATHER!)

22. What are your plans as a Fourth Year?

Let’s Go Outside- Luke Conard and Tessa Violet (aka MeekaKitty) (I do need to get outside once in awhile… Let’s go outside. Outside’s nice cuz it goes worldwide. Time for the Quidditch World Cup! And the Wizarding Cup!)

23. What are your plans as a Fifth Year?

Funeral Bell- Black Label Society (NOOOOOOOOOOOO SIRIUS NO!)

24. What are your plans as a Sixth Year?

Cry- Kelly Clarkson (NOOOOOOOOOO DUMBLEDORE NO!)

25. What are your plans for defeating Voldemort?

Reaping- The Tributes (aka Luke Conard, Joey Graceffa, and Meghan Camarena ( aka Strawburry17) (Hmmmmmmm… Let us put Voldemort in an arena?)

–

Well that was fun. Anyone care to play along? Comment, Facebook me, TUMBLE! Even send me a really long text if that’s the way you feel.

There is hopefully an actual blog post coming along later tonight after I finish watching my princess movie.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *kitty be sleeping on the couch and cute* girl,

~me~

Working Through Thoughts

Well, my faithful blog readers, it is once more time for me to examine and re-examine my thoughts.

Here I am, sprawled out on the floor of my living room with pony-infused dubstep playing through my stereo speakers, wondering what things mean. I am still full of anger, I should be studying for finals, and I don’t know how to come clean to people about what’s on my mind.

I can’t even come clean here to the people I trust enough to read this site and a bunch of people who find me just another anonymous entity of the internet. Let’s just say someone who was in a position of trust within my life at one point violated that trust drastically and I never got angry with that person and they are the only one who knows they violated my trust. I didn’t realize how bad it hurt me mentally until I saw stats about it happening to other people. I feel like I need to talk to people about it though, which is why I am going to go back to a psychologist. It’s been weighing on my mind for a week or two now and it sucks. I’ll be blunt about that. It hurts that my trust was so far violated by this person that I’ll wake up thinking about it and can’t get past anger at them. I should have said more when the incident happened, but I shrugged it off as unimportant. False. It was and still is important. My trust in this person deteriorated from that day on and I barely speak to this person any longer. Some of you who are close to me might have figured out who this person is by now, but I really don’t feel like telling you. I need to work through this myself before I can work through it with others.

Sometimes things just suck.

On the other hand, it’s causing me to realize how great a lot of the people in my life are. Rave Queen, The Girl Who Wouldn’t, 8, Phoenix, and Albuquerque (hint: I only have one friend there) especially. You guys are the best people ever. And AirSoft, the Alaskan, Fellow Brony, Tech Support, The Only Chem-E Left, the Hawaiian, and Bombshell Not Required… I couldn’t forget about you guys. Narcoleptic Polar Bear, you also are mentioned because you win best commenter on this blog. You guys have all touched my life in really special ways and it means a lot. You are the best friends and supporters I have ever had and that means so much to me. To all my other faithful blog readers: keep doing what you do. I appreciate your support as well.

Welllllll… I just reminded a bunch of people to check out my blog so I’m going to finish this post. Also, it’s midnight and I need to study more.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *friends are fantastic* girl,

~me~

The Flow

Tick… Tick… Tock.

Click clack click clack.

Clock.

Train track.

The rhythm of time flows through me and heads to you.

I come and I go…

To to to…

Fro fro fro.

Symbolism stands in my way.

My way of life.

My way of learning.

My way of dealing with the stressors of the world.

Done. Done. Done, I think.

Run. Run. Stop.

No.

Don’t stop.

Scream. Scream louder.

They will never catch you.

Fly. Be free. Escape to new worlds.

We cannot hold you back.

Only you can.

Listen to the music

That makes your heart happy.

Listen to the voices

That support you in whole.

Free your thoughts.

You’ll be fine.

Trust me.

You have no reason to,

But you should.

I know all.

I see all.

Why?

How?

I am in your head.

I am in your heart.

Your soul.

Your body.

Your whole self,

spiritual

and

physical.

I am you.

You are me.

But you and I,

You and I are not we.

And you and I will never be we.

Two separate entities

Co-existing as one.

Your real self

and you.

You should listen to yourself.

But you and I will always be separate entities

Sharing one…

bodymindsoulheartbeing.

I can’t go on without you,

But you can’t go on without me.

You and I need each other to survive.

I will always be a part of you.

I will always be the part that schizophrenia hid.

I will always be the part that holds on to faith,

No matter how weak.

I will always be…

You.

–

My brain needed to ramble. I am sick of studying and needed something to clear my mind. One final down. Two tomorrow. One Thursday.

The land that is not silver was excellent. I saw the Hawaiian, 8, Fellow Brony, thegirlwhowouldnt, and the Alaskan. I ate at two burrito joints, a Japanese place, and got Sonic with some good friends. I convinced my guy friends to watch Brave with me, talked about My Little Pony and Doctor Who, went to a beautiful piano recital, and even went to the airport with the Hawaiian to pick up someone, which brought back memories of all the other times I have been there. I wish I had had more time with 8, thegirlwhowouldnt, and the Alaskan, but time is fleeting and we are in a society that lives by the clock. *sigh*

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!

Love from this *written writ write wrote writer* girl,

~me~

Pent Up Anger and No Sleep For Me

Well, I am in the land that is not silver and it’s the middle of the night and I am wide awake. Forget the Lunesta, lexapro, and xanax I have taken. Forget the fact that I am supposed to drive back “home” today. I am dealing with a lot of pent up emotions… Mostly anger. And they have finally caught up with me. As the Hawaiian and his roommates sleep, I am happy I got to see 8, fellow brony and the girl who wouldn’t. I am happy I got to buy rave queen a gift. I am hopeful that when I awaken I will get to see the Alaskan. I am grateful my parents let me borrow their car for a trip that means a lot to me.

My anger, on the other hand, is not good. It’s been building up and especially increasing for a few weeks now. I have a lot of resentment towards my exboyfriend for a few of the things he said and did when we were dating. I have a lot of anger towards the guy I once lovingly referred to as that dang slacker. I have anger at my friends for life choices that I know are not my business. I have extreme anger at myself for the fact that I feel like I’m about to repeat some past mistakes. The only good thing is that some of it might be worth it now. I hope so.

I’m also losing a bit of my faith and that scares the Heaven out of me. Christianity saved my life. I can’t live healthily without it. I feel that’s part of the reason I have so much anger. I have lost my trust in God, even though I still believe everything happens for a reason and that God loves, accepts, and forgives all His children. I just don’t feel as strongly connected as I did even a year ago. I feel like part of this might be the fact that a lot of people I know just ridicule Christianity and it’s hard to defend a religion when you’re the only one defending it. I don’t know though…

Well, enough rants. Time to try for bed.

Life, love, and the stars above!

God bless!
Love from this *angry yet happy* girl,

~me~